Blue

If black is an absence,
and white is abundance,
red is of love,
blue is of you,
then I must be purple;
having been washed and rinsed
in the same cycle as you.

Honest advice

Marriage advice from a single person? How unusual (and invalid)!

I like to think that one of the reasons I'll never get married is because I know how destructive I can be, and what it takes to repair damage I've caused. And so I'm preventing future heart ache. I will admit though, that it makes me feel a little empty, a little lonely. I love drama, I love being the person friends come to for advice, from dealing with children, ex's, husbands and wives. They've told me I have good things to say. I don't know where this wisdom come from, whether its innate, learned from what I've seen, or just because I listen to so many songs about love and heartbreak (and no, they aren't all country).

Marriage frightens me because I've seen it crumble, and I've seen it be repaired, and I know how much time and energy gets spent on both ends. I think I'm much too selfish to be willing to give up certain parts of me to another, to be there for them even when I've fucked things up. Relationships allow for much misery, and much happiness (so I've been told).

When friends ask me for advice, I find its when I'm the most honest. I speak from a broken place of not even trusting myself, so I know how hard it can be to maintain trust with another, and how destructive it is not to have confidence in your own decisions or actions. Friends see the best of me, and the worst of me, when I'm listening. 

I know love can only exist with sacrifice. I am not so foolish as to say that honesty will always keep a relationship from failing. I've tried to be honest about all the lies I've told, and damaged relationships beyond repair; so I'm not sure what the solution is...

I could ramble on this for awhile, but I guess my point is that I still am discovering how to be honest in a healthy relationship. This blog allows for me to vent questions that might frighten those I'm close, and it lets me process what others tell me is wisdom, and I see as the small pieces of my life that I see as truth.

-----------

I'm really into acoustic artist Jay Brannan right now, and recommend you give him a listen.

an original: Beautifully - Jay Brannan (he starts singing it at 1:45)

a cover: Good Mother - Jay Brannan