Today I came across two very interesting articles, but for two very different reasons.
The first is a link to an article that was posted in May, about a family that is raising their third child as "nongendered". I think they are brilliant and I only have good things to say about what they are trying to do. I wonder if it would be easier for me to be "out", or accept my "gayness" without the constant self-loathing and guilt that I have every day in the battle to figure out just who I am if I had not been raised in an environment that determined my gender and my role for me. I wonder a lot if the nurture part of my upbringing has had a stronger mental impact on the nature part of who I am than if I had been raised in a religious and sexuality unbiased home. This is a family I will want to follow up on for sure!
http://www.thestar.com/article/995112
The second article is a blog entry over at I think I Believe, the original link of the video and personal entry from one who experienced it is available here. I don't have much to add, other than this is the form of Christianity that truly is a cult. How about we don't attack our own children because of our own prejudices and accept and love them just the way G-d made them?
---
Listening to: Andrew Bird's Imitosis
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Wednesday 8 June 2011
On Rihanna "Man Down"
A double standard for women and violence in the media
Read through it and the comments if you're interested at all in the controversy.
Read through it and the comments if you're interested at all in the controversy.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
Introvert and Internet Dating
Since when did Introvert become a dirty word? I recently signed up for an online dating site just to see what it was all about. I haven't even been on a week and I get a message saying:
"Howdee yo what is your degree in? And are you a socially ackward girl? Haha introvert i just had to ask."
That is the whole of the message. I find it a little disturbing that the only thing that caught the writers attention was my education and the possibility that I was unsociable. And I judged the writer right back, assuming that s/he had no education because those who do usually have to take some sort of psychology course and would realize that being introverted is not a curse.
I am not shy, I open up quite easily about my life and enjoying interesting conversation. I am not socially awkward - I like meeting new people, I do not suffer from stage fright etc etc. What it does mean is that large groups exhaust me and I need time to recharge after. That's all. An extrovert gets energized by large groups and I don't. Extroverts can still be shy and are often more socially awkward because they don't realize how obtrusive they are being or how their excitement is getting interpreted.
Maybe thats why I don't have much success in the online dating world - I always mention too early on that I'm an introvert and scare them all away. The thing with internet dating is that you're putting up the best of yourself, a very skewed version of yourself and you can hide your idiosyncrasies pretty well behind the text. So if the best of myself is this cursed with being socially awkward, unreasonably quiet and extremely private person then I must be a real "piece of work".
I will say this: at least s/he did not mention my eyes, ask for my phone number or use a pickup line. I haven't responded because I haven't worked through yet whether this message means the person is judgmental, or is trying to show me they have a sense of humor.
So what's the best line so far? "If you were to be a sort of cookie, what type would you be?"
"Howdee yo what is your degree in? And are you a socially ackward girl? Haha introvert i just had to ask."
That is the whole of the message. I find it a little disturbing that the only thing that caught the writers attention was my education and the possibility that I was unsociable. And I judged the writer right back, assuming that s/he had no education because those who do usually have to take some sort of psychology course and would realize that being introverted is not a curse.
I am not shy, I open up quite easily about my life and enjoying interesting conversation. I am not socially awkward - I like meeting new people, I do not suffer from stage fright etc etc. What it does mean is that large groups exhaust me and I need time to recharge after. That's all. An extrovert gets energized by large groups and I don't. Extroverts can still be shy and are often more socially awkward because they don't realize how obtrusive they are being or how their excitement is getting interpreted.
Maybe thats why I don't have much success in the online dating world - I always mention too early on that I'm an introvert and scare them all away. The thing with internet dating is that you're putting up the best of yourself, a very skewed version of yourself and you can hide your idiosyncrasies pretty well behind the text. So if the best of myself is this cursed with being socially awkward, unreasonably quiet and extremely private person then I must be a real "piece of work".
I will say this: at least s/he did not mention my eyes, ask for my phone number or use a pickup line. I haven't responded because I haven't worked through yet whether this message means the person is judgmental, or is trying to show me they have a sense of humor.
So what's the best line so far? "If you were to be a sort of cookie, what type would you be?"
Friday 13 May 2011
.on weddings.
My sister got married last weekend. This marriage is one of progression for my family; the fact that my parents acknowledge it at all shows me they are less conservative in thought than they are in speech.
1. It is her second marriage - her first ending in divorce.
It is accepted in my family that divorce does not dissolve a marriage in the eyes of G-d. Before she married her new husband, my mother often made speeches about her still being married and she would only accept her divorce as long as she never married anyone else.
My father broke down at the ceremony when he was giving a prayer-blessing over the marriage. He would not give his blessing, or offer a prayer, if he did not believe the marriage to be real, important and valid. He did not pray for G-d to accept this marriage as the true one, and dissolve the other, he prayed for the unity of the couple.
2. She is marrying a Jehovah's Witness
My family is conservative, protestant, evangelical Christian. This pretty much means there is no room for interpretation of the Bible, or of G-d, or righteous living, than the one they prescribe to. While my sister may not know what important theological differences there are between JW and Xns, my parents believe they are fully aware. (Neither of them have been educated or done any sort of theological or biblical history reading outside of the Xn Bible. Max Lucado does not count).
When she first started dating this man, my parents were sure that it would not last, it was too soon after her divorce, and most men would be scared off. Then, as they got more serious, they assumed that it was only because her first marriage ended badly, the next man she dated was a real piece of work (fill in your own term), and because this man treated her decently she was with him. They assumed she would meet someone with whom there were more shared beliefs, and she would realize he was not what she needed.
My sister has never been a straight-A student, but she sure is smart. She started talking about getting engaged and marrying this man months before the engagement ever happened. The parents were forced to warm up to the idea, just because it was talked about so frequently and become a regular part of conversation. When it was announced they were engaged, it was not a surprise, and since it was expected it was accepted. She, then, wasted no time in planning it and getting hitched. Two months later she was married, with a lot of help from both families in the planning. She kept my parents so busy they had no time to argue over the phone about it, and she did not ask their approval or for my fathers blessing.
What this means to me
My cousin is a lesbian, is married and has a child with her partner. They are not talked about, I have never met her, and her parents don't even talk to her or treat her as family. She has basically been exiled. As a in-the-closet bisexual (watch for how I apply this to myself not as gender/orientationally confused in a future post), this is especially distressing.
I have been telling my family for years that I don't want kids, and do not see myself getting married. This is so that they will not ask questions, and will have some sort of answers to give my relatives when they ask why I am still single. I convince them it is because a) I don't like kids and b) that kids happen only inside marriage -- this translates to them that I believe marriage is for procreation. Let me assure you that this is not what I believe in the slightest.
My hope is that eventually, if I do meet a man or woman who I love and trust enough to enter into a marriage with, that they will be excited that I found someone at all! I know that I am dreaming that this would be their reaction, but maybe if people like my sister keep making my parents realize they do not believe in practice what they believe in thought, then I'll have half a chance of having them acknowledge my love to whoever I choose.
Not only did my sister marrying someone my parents would normally never have accepted, she did it in a second marriage! And my father prayed for her, not in a way for her to be fixed either!
This sort of boggles my mind.
1. It is her second marriage - her first ending in divorce.
It is accepted in my family that divorce does not dissolve a marriage in the eyes of G-d. Before she married her new husband, my mother often made speeches about her still being married and she would only accept her divorce as long as she never married anyone else.
My father broke down at the ceremony when he was giving a prayer-blessing over the marriage. He would not give his blessing, or offer a prayer, if he did not believe the marriage to be real, important and valid. He did not pray for G-d to accept this marriage as the true one, and dissolve the other, he prayed for the unity of the couple.
2. She is marrying a Jehovah's Witness
My family is conservative, protestant, evangelical Christian. This pretty much means there is no room for interpretation of the Bible, or of G-d, or righteous living, than the one they prescribe to. While my sister may not know what important theological differences there are between JW and Xns, my parents believe they are fully aware. (Neither of them have been educated or done any sort of theological or biblical history reading outside of the Xn Bible. Max Lucado does not count).
When she first started dating this man, my parents were sure that it would not last, it was too soon after her divorce, and most men would be scared off. Then, as they got more serious, they assumed that it was only because her first marriage ended badly, the next man she dated was a real piece of work (fill in your own term), and because this man treated her decently she was with him. They assumed she would meet someone with whom there were more shared beliefs, and she would realize he was not what she needed.
My sister has never been a straight-A student, but she sure is smart. She started talking about getting engaged and marrying this man months before the engagement ever happened. The parents were forced to warm up to the idea, just because it was talked about so frequently and become a regular part of conversation. When it was announced they were engaged, it was not a surprise, and since it was expected it was accepted. She, then, wasted no time in planning it and getting hitched. Two months later she was married, with a lot of help from both families in the planning. She kept my parents so busy they had no time to argue over the phone about it, and she did not ask their approval or for my fathers blessing.
What this means to me
My cousin is a lesbian, is married and has a child with her partner. They are not talked about, I have never met her, and her parents don't even talk to her or treat her as family. She has basically been exiled. As a in-the-closet bisexual (watch for how I apply this to myself not as gender/orientationally confused in a future post), this is especially distressing.
I have been telling my family for years that I don't want kids, and do not see myself getting married. This is so that they will not ask questions, and will have some sort of answers to give my relatives when they ask why I am still single. I convince them it is because a) I don't like kids and b) that kids happen only inside marriage -- this translates to them that I believe marriage is for procreation. Let me assure you that this is not what I believe in the slightest.
My hope is that eventually, if I do meet a man or woman who I love and trust enough to enter into a marriage with, that they will be excited that I found someone at all! I know that I am dreaming that this would be their reaction, but maybe if people like my sister keep making my parents realize they do not believe in practice what they believe in thought, then I'll have half a chance of having them acknowledge my love to whoever I choose.
Not only did my sister marrying someone my parents would normally never have accepted, she did it in a second marriage! And my father prayed for her, not in a way for her to be fixed either!
This sort of boggles my mind.
Wednesday 6 April 2011
Blue
If black is an absence,
and white is abundance,
red is of love,
blue is of you,
then I must be purple;
having been washed and rinsed
in the same cycle as you.
and white is abundance,
red is of love,
blue is of you,
then I must be purple;
having been washed and rinsed
in the same cycle as you.
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Honest advice
Marriage advice from a single person? How unusual (and invalid)!
I like to think that one of the reasons I'll never get married is because I know how destructive I can be, and what it takes to repair damage I've caused. And so I'm preventing future heart ache. I will admit though, that it makes me feel a little empty, a little lonely. I love drama, I love being the person friends come to for advice, from dealing with children, ex's, husbands and wives. They've told me I have good things to say. I don't know where this wisdom come from, whether its innate, learned from what I've seen, or just because I listen to so many songs about love and heartbreak (and no, they aren't all country).
Marriage frightens me because I've seen it crumble, and I've seen it be repaired, and I know how much time and energy gets spent on both ends. I think I'm much too selfish to be willing to give up certain parts of me to another, to be there for them even when I've fucked things up. Relationships allow for much misery, and much happiness (so I've been told).
When friends ask me for advice, I find its when I'm the most honest. I speak from a broken place of not even trusting myself, so I know how hard it can be to maintain trust with another, and how destructive it is not to have confidence in your own decisions or actions. Friends see the best of me, and the worst of me, when I'm listening.
I know love can only exist with sacrifice. I am not so foolish as to say that honesty will always keep a relationship from failing. I've tried to be honest about all the lies I've told, and damaged relationships beyond repair; so I'm not sure what the solution is...
I could ramble on this for awhile, but I guess my point is that I still am discovering how to be honest in a healthy relationship. This blog allows for me to vent questions that might frighten those I'm close, and it lets me process what others tell me is wisdom, and I see as the small pieces of my life that I see as truth.
-----------
I'm really into acoustic artist Jay Brannan right now, and recommend you give him a listen.
a cover: Good Mother - Jay Brannan
Tuesday 29 March 2011
An Introduction
I did not experience much music or art before I was ten, at the very least I did not actively seek it out.
The story of me before these years is muddled and confused, and I'm not convinced of its relevancy.
I was predisposed to have certain reactions to stress and conflict, and in turn I have learned to only "positively" handle them by funneling anothers' emotions through a serious of electric firings traveling from my cd player to my speakers.
And so my story can be told alongside an extensive playlist. Every major emotional, physical, decietful event of my existence can be better expressed and understood with a detailed music history.
This is how I find myself with a playlist that houses both progressive trance and folk music.
I've recently been trying to pinpoint down why I have such a desire to write this blog. To tell the Truth. I was listening to Aqua by Moccio feat. Jorane when I got sick of the escapism. I still love that song, don't get me wrong. But after two years of not telling a lie that I lived from the time I was 15 to 23, I contacted someone from those years and told them a new lie, it destroys me. I felt such a rush getting a letter back from him, to hear such concern, and the high usually lasts a few days...and it might have this time except for one line that I couldn't seem to shake.
"Life is wrong. In so many ways, it's wrong. For some reason, I also believe it's right, but I'm not always sure why. There are so many layers to the world. So many lies. So much pain."
There has to be something right in all this mess I've created. There has to be some reason why I was driven to destroy the life I could have lived. Maybe something happened in the black silent indistinct memories of my childhood, or maybe I just didn't learn to grow up properly. But there is good in the world, and even though I have such difficulty admitting that, it gives me hope that something positive will come out of those white noise memories that eat at me in the silence of the night. Even if they are more damaging to the life I could have lived than these lies ever have been.
Aqua is much too positive for this post, so I'll leave you with a local up-and-coming band. Hunger Pains by Sparethelove | spoilthechild. Their music is not yet on Itunes or Youtube, but I encourage you to go to their facebook page and give them a listen.
The story of me before these years is muddled and confused, and I'm not convinced of its relevancy.
I was predisposed to have certain reactions to stress and conflict, and in turn I have learned to only "positively" handle them by funneling anothers' emotions through a serious of electric firings traveling from my cd player to my speakers.
And so my story can be told alongside an extensive playlist. Every major emotional, physical, decietful event of my existence can be better expressed and understood with a detailed music history.
This is how I find myself with a playlist that houses both progressive trance and folk music.
I've recently been trying to pinpoint down why I have such a desire to write this blog. To tell the Truth. I was listening to Aqua by Moccio feat. Jorane when I got sick of the escapism. I still love that song, don't get me wrong. But after two years of not telling a lie that I lived from the time I was 15 to 23, I contacted someone from those years and told them a new lie, it destroys me. I felt such a rush getting a letter back from him, to hear such concern, and the high usually lasts a few days...and it might have this time except for one line that I couldn't seem to shake.
"Life is wrong. In so many ways, it's wrong. For some reason, I also believe it's right, but I'm not always sure why. There are so many layers to the world. So many lies. So much pain."
There has to be something right in all this mess I've created. There has to be some reason why I was driven to destroy the life I could have lived. Maybe something happened in the black silent indistinct memories of my childhood, or maybe I just didn't learn to grow up properly. But there is good in the world, and even though I have such difficulty admitting that, it gives me hope that something positive will come out of those white noise memories that eat at me in the silence of the night. Even if they are more damaging to the life I could have lived than these lies ever have been.
Aqua is much too positive for this post, so I'll leave you with a local up-and-coming band. Hunger Pains by Sparethelove | spoilthechild. Their music is not yet on Itunes or Youtube, but I encourage you to go to their facebook page and give them a listen.
Truth:
I am an escape artist.
I escape the averageness of my life by floating away into the darkest thought and emotions of humanity.
I write and think the ugliest things, fixating on the nuances, the different shades of the blackest parts of my imagination that I fear too much to expose through art. Through a muted, muddled form of truth telling that is art. This awareness of my issues, but inactivity because of it, is the only art I've perfected.
I escape expectations. I shock and destroy them. I rarely live up to them, I come at them from unexpected, misunderstood and scary angles. The expectations, assumptions, that I am a happy, wholesome person - untainted and undamaged by the past tend to last only as long as I find them useful.
I may truly be some of things, sometimes, but I doubt its truth. the whole truth. an untainted truth of an aspect of me. But I am not also totally destroyed or devastated by the past, even if I have convinced you of it. Truth: there's just not a lot in my past to be emotionally destroyed from.
I escape this truth through exaggeration of the past, acting well upon it in the present, consistent and persistent, as a broken human being.
I am such a good artist, that sometimes even I believe it and escape reality into it.
Damien Rice.
Dave Matthews.
Dave Matthews Band.
David Banner.
David Grey.
David Usher.
"Cut her out"
"every lie is a white lie"
"choose your own truth, make yourself"
"Creativity at its best is destruction at its best"
Some are others speaking, repeating what I knew much before anyone confirmed it:
"Destructive Tendencies"
"Obsessive"
"Chronically manipulative and selfish"
Focus. a consistent beat. Escape into someone else's abyss, forgetting about the one I have created through exclusion, denial, withdrawal and Ego.
That Truth haunts me still.
I'm still escaping, still not making an effort. I know the next step is to turn off the sound, live in the world of noise. I'm just not willing to move forward. I live and breathe and create the past, I exist in the present and ignore the future and any consequences that may come from these habits.
Truth: It does bother me to realize how much time I spend escaping. Some call it daydreaming, but that puts too much of a light childish spin on it; others saying zoning out, but thats too passive. I may not admit to myself what I am doing, I don't believe I actively seek it out. I have difficulty pinpointing what triggers me to mentally escape myself. Once I am forced to admit it, once I know I'm going down that path again - again - again - again - again - again - I choose not to stop - again - again - - -
By creating this blog I am trying, sort of, to stop. I lost it though, the desire to sensibly and logically express what I do and why. I'm much too detached and clinical sounding now, so I will leave the music on repeat, ignore the noise of my roommate, and escape these ambiguous twisty grey thoughts that almost always lead to too much change: to be honest or to create a new set of lies.
And so I'm experimenting. I will write Truth through the only way I know how to, the only way I've experienced the world. Through a story of playlists.
I escape the averageness of my life by floating away into the darkest thought and emotions of humanity.
I write and think the ugliest things, fixating on the nuances, the different shades of the blackest parts of my imagination that I fear too much to expose through art. Through a muted, muddled form of truth telling that is art. This awareness of my issues, but inactivity because of it, is the only art I've perfected.
I escape expectations. I shock and destroy them. I rarely live up to them, I come at them from unexpected, misunderstood and scary angles. The expectations, assumptions, that I am a happy, wholesome person - untainted and undamaged by the past tend to last only as long as I find them useful.
I may truly be some of things, sometimes, but I doubt its truth. the whole truth. an untainted truth of an aspect of me. But I am not also totally destroyed or devastated by the past, even if I have convinced you of it. Truth: there's just not a lot in my past to be emotionally destroyed from.
I escape this truth through exaggeration of the past, acting well upon it in the present, consistent and persistent, as a broken human being.
I am such a good artist, that sometimes even I believe it and escape reality into it.
I'm scrambling for my Ipod. That Truth is one I'm not ready to deal with. I have to eliminate the quiet, the silence thats wormed its way into my brain and convinced me I need to try be honest about That Truth.
I can't do it. Not tonight.
.music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music. .music.
My brain is about to explode.
Damien Rice.
Dave Matthews.
Dave Matthews Band.
David Banner.
David Grey.
David Usher.
Deadmau5.
I forgot how secluded and cut off I've made myself until I was drowning in a wave of electronic deja vu. Escaping this hermitage I've built for myself by withdrawing even from it. again.
Strategy: Eliminate the downtime not governed by a truth or a lie, just existing. I hate existing. Truth: This passive, lukewarm, failure, excuse of a human frightens me.
I'm furiously trying to blink away the anger, trying to escape these whispers. Some are in my voice
"Cut her out"
"every lie is a white lie"
"choose your own truth, make yourself"
"Creativity at its best is destruction at its best"
Some are others speaking, repeating what I knew much before anyone confirmed it:
"Destructive Tendencies"
"Obsessive"
"Chronically manipulative and selfish"
Focus. a consistent beat. Escape into someone else's abyss, forgetting about the one I have created through exclusion, denial, withdrawal and Ego.
That Truth haunts me still.
I'm still escaping, still not making an effort. I know the next step is to turn off the sound, live in the world of noise. I'm just not willing to move forward. I live and breathe and create the past, I exist in the present and ignore the future and any consequences that may come from these habits.
Truth: It does bother me to realize how much time I spend escaping. Some call it daydreaming, but that puts too much of a light childish spin on it; others saying zoning out, but thats too passive. I may not admit to myself what I am doing, I don't believe I actively seek it out. I have difficulty pinpointing what triggers me to mentally escape myself. Once I am forced to admit it, once I know I'm going down that path again - again - again - again - again - again - I choose not to stop - again - again - - -
By creating this blog I am trying, sort of, to stop. I lost it though, the desire to sensibly and logically express what I do and why. I'm much too detached and clinical sounding now, so I will leave the music on repeat, ignore the noise of my roommate, and escape these ambiguous twisty grey thoughts that almost always lead to too much change: to be honest or to create a new set of lies.
And so I'm experimenting. I will write Truth through the only way I know how to, the only way I've experienced the world. Through a story of playlists.
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